LCFL #017// Amatuer Night: The Pain That Is Valentine's Day Service

Cheesin' the season.

Valentine's Day dinner service fucking sucks.

Wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
I don't want to get off on the wrong foot, get the cart before the horse, or get misunderstood.
I don't want to start negatively.
Please allow me to backtrack and try again.

Valentine's Day dinner service fucking sucks.

I apologize.

There is no way around it.
The beauty, mystique and passion that fuels New Year's is not in attendance. The second busiest night of the year is a much needed shot in the annual numbers in the midst of the first quarter cool down felt industrywide. The way the night feels though is completely different. A sense of dread among the staff. There are a few things one can count on every Valentine's that exists on no other day of the year. Oddities. Which leads it to be known by those in the biz as "Amateur Night."

Packed in like sardines.

First of all, you can be certain that 90% of your business will be deuces - twos, two tops, two hats. Two people. Jam the floorplan with as many small tables as we have got, right?
COUPLES! Romance, flowers, proposals, cards, and chocolate. Deuces take less time - usually - than a six or an eight. Anything eight and up it sometimes takes up to thirty minutes to get all eight even at the same restaurant. Please understand: if you have never had to devise a floor plan try and imagine a puzzle that is perfectly put together except one of the pieces keeps changing shape - or showing up late, eating exceptionally slowly, adding party members. Any of these 'inconveniences' become exponentially detrimental to the smoothness of service three hours later. Ask any minimum wage hostess - it can be impossible to keep people happy before they've even sat.
With all deuces you can then "flip" - reset, reseat, make money - each table faster. Excellent! Everyone's happy!
Except the kitchen who now has 30 two tops all at once when its usually intermittently spaced out with a slow moving eight or ten top. A four top who is taking their time on course one. No. Bang, go, and the sprint of deuce after deuce, fast fast fast, no time to breathe or refresh your line. Its about production.
Isn't it always? No!

Chateaux Brionne... for two???

It's usually a balance between speed and technique. On a night like Valentine's, people get sat and fed so fast the the prix fix menus tend to lend themselves to more "pickup" item - one pan sautees, cut-and-sauce prime rib, quick scallop sear. And shared items - oh, shared items! A godsend when you know all your diners are sucking face later and wont mind sharing a plate of dessert. Not that there is anything wrong with these. It just forces us to be more creative with our time management where I usually get off on creative technique. I feel it leaves me feeling like something was lacking.
Take a moment, by the way, to consider the deuces on deuces on deuces I keep talking about. This is a night where it is required to take your significant other out. This creates the once-a-year diner. Cook it perfectly, serve him well, do back flips, shoot fireworks out of your ears, he's still tipping you ten percent and you'll never see him again. This is a blow to the service staff, who become dejected after the first turn of guests has flipped and they've seen the tips. Early diners are the worst anyway when it comes to this poor tipping thing, too.
NOT EVERYONE!
I'm not talking about you.
You're the best.

After the service staff gets that "fuck this" look at about 6:15, the cooks get cranky because all we require when busting ass like this is a smile and a "good boy." Much like a Labrador, all we can hope is that we please when we are this busy. There's no time for any other wants.
Moral, like dominoes, start to fall.
The godsend on Valentine's vs. New Years is that its not the marathon New Years is. Normal hours, no staying open late, serving till 2am. Thank bejesus.

Going to be getting fucksy...
So long as we don't fuck up...

Most nights of the year the "Customers Getting Laid Today Batting Average" is pretty high in restaurants comparatively, you know, industry to industry. I have no facts to back this up, but follow my logic: Bartender or butcher? Chef or accountant? Restaurant owner or pet store owner? It's one of the reasons people go out to eat, right? Dinner is one of the necessary steps in getting down. On Valentine's Day this percentage skyrockets. It throws the yearly average so out of whack that Valentine's Day is why we have no hard numbers on these important phenomena.
Science.
Its a lot of responsibility when so many are pinning their hopes of carnal pleasure on your prix fix menu. That's why they are priced so high - the expectations. Don't gimme dry chicken or it won't be all that stays dry, right? I wonder if there are figures to show what night people get down the most on. The Google was no help with this one.

So as we in restaurants prepare for yet another Amateur Night I ask that those dining this Valentine's Day please take a deep breath and realize that their server is not with her loved one so that she can get that side of ranch for you. Tip well, regardless of the wait for the table or the temperature of the steak. If you leave feeling that your chances of getting fucksy are better upon departure when compared to arrival then a stiff 30% is the solid thing to do to show you are not one of the sea of rubes filing in tonight.

James Pawl Kane
Chef & Speaker of the Pompitous of Love